Friday
afternoon: I waltzed out of work beaming weekend bliss. I passed a coworker on
my way out. Feeling a tad bit guilty about skipping out of work a little early,
I made a quick joke about the sudden appearance of a plethora of comp hours.
“They
just magically appeared,” I cooed, though in actuality, they were the result of
some extended shifts and weekend workdays.
“You
could have miscalculated. You could just be bad at math,” was the quick retort.
The verbal arrow popped my confidence bubble. The weekend high evaporated and I
felt hurt and confused by what I perceived to be the unexpected put down.
I
replayed the incident in my head, wishing I had quipped: “Hey now! I can joke
about my bad math skills, but you can’t!!!”
Then
there was a small epiphany – I don’t have the right to put myself down. If I
want others to be kind, then I need to start speaking kindly about myself. I
had made countless (what I had intended to be humorous) comments about my math
challenges in front of this coworker and she was continuing this conversation,
only her tone was sharp and her words left a barb.
In
truth, I did know where the comp hours had come from. I had calculated them
correctly, had been productive at work and could guiltlessly leave a little bit
early. The confusion and hurt that erupted from that comment stemmed from me
not speaking and honoring my truth. I had belittled myself and had gotten stung
as a result.
I’m a pro at using self-deprecating humor - it’s my way of making others feel at ease around me. But if making others feel comfortable around me means belittling myself, then I have a little bit of work to do.
My
intention to nurture love for myself, to soften my tone toward myself,
encompasses my verbal words, too. I want to extend this verbal consciousness
toward how I communicate with my family, coworkers, friends, the coffee shop
barista, even my dogs.
Words are energetic beings. They hold the power to uplift, hurt, make peace, or make drama. Tone and intention shapes the way words are delivered. I want to be more selective and truthful in my response and conversations with others.
I
tend to verbally slip when I’m energetically drained from spending too much
time with people (alone time is essential to the well-being of this introvert).
Most often, though, I say something too quickly without pausing to sort out and
choose my words thoughtfully. I’m working on pausing before I speak.
I’m also
focusing on my body language. Adjusting my posture when I speak rejuvenates and
empowers me. If I’m feeling overwhelmed in a conversation, I remember to
lengthen my spine, open up through my heart and press my feet evenly into the
floor. This subtle shift in body awareness makes me feel stable, capable and
confident, and my words flow smoothly as I respond and listen.
I’m watching my words. I’m watching for ways to
eliminate unnecessary negativity. My body’s response to my words will tell me
how I am communicating. I always feel guilty after gossiping; those gossipy
words leave a grimy residue around my heart center. I’m striving to speak
kindly about people who baffle and irritate me. Though it takes a little bit
more effort, I always feel better when I decide to speak kindly instead of
throwing my own ego reaction into the conversational mix.
Writing this I’m glad
for the coworker’s math comment. Yes, Universe, you gave me another opportunity
to soften and love myself, and this time it is through my spoken words. The
weekend begins with an intention: to speak from a place of kindness and love,
and let my ears and heart find peace and security in those verbal energies.
