Sunglasses and car keys in hand, I mentally repeat my day’s to-do list
as I head out the front door. I shout a bon voyage to my dad who suddenly
appears, asking where I’m headed (I’m a true millennial, I’m living at home
with my parentals), and I cut him off, quickly launching into my day’s planned
errands, schemes and yoga classes scheduled to teach.
Busy, busy, busy.
My dad kindly listens and then goes on to say he just wanted to give
me a heads up about a plumbing crew coming to the house that afternoon. He
wishes me luck as I go on my way, and I feel rather silly for giving such a
grand speech about my “busy day.”
Busy: My hot button word. Lately, I’ve become sensitive to saying “I’m
busy” and conscious of how I schedule my time. I’ve even become aware of the
“busy rant”. This is something I’ve witnessed friends and family do. And I’m
totally guilty of it, too. During a “busy rant”, I list to-dos, scheduled musts
and elaborate on the day’s details in an effort to prove my self-worth.
Here’s the flow of logic: If I’m busy, then I think I’m doing enough,
and if I’m doing enough, then I am enough, meaning I am a whole human being.
This logic could be the result of a busy-obsessed society. We are all
busy. We all are pursuing passions while fulfilling obligations and crossing
things off and adding things on to the never-ending to-do lists. We are in the
midst of a busyness epidemic. We live in a caffeinated, pill popping society
that pressures us to be constantly busy because if we’re not busy, then what
are we? How do we define ourselves without our full calendars?
I know that one of the main reasons I busy rant is because I’m seeking
validation. I want external validation from my friends, family and peers about
my worthiness, a worthiness determined entirely on the external. My ego wants
to purr.
The ego feeds off of busyness. The ego craves recognition,
superiority, success. The ego pushes us to have full calendars, to go and go
and do and do until the brink of exhaustion. The ego taunts us, hissing that we
are not enough until we achieve this grade, this position, this type of car,
this status. In the greedy eyes of the ego, we will never be enough, and
happiness will always exist in the next step, in the next achievement, always
in the future, never in the present.
My busy rant to my Dad stemmed from insecurity around not having a
full-time job. I want to prove that I am doing enough and therefore, that I Am
Enough. The ironic thing is that I busy ranted to a person who loves me
unconditionally. My agenda for the day does not determine how much my Dad, or
really my parents, love me.
I’m blessed to have parents who fully and lovingly accept and support
me, and all my bohemian-like decisions (like taking a year off before I went to
college. The “gap year” was one of the best decisions I ever made and I had the
full support of my parents to do it). Their pride and belief in me does not
stem from my academic achievements, my VISTA year, or how many yoga classes I
teach – they love me for me. And true friends and romantic partners love me for
me and not my resume.
And frankly, I don’t want to be busy. I want to be intentional.
Sometimes being busy truly can’t be helped, and I get that. I’m concerned with
the always on the go busyness. And
I’ve done that busy, busy, busy routine and in the end I always erupt in tears.
I feel foreign to myself because I haven’t granted myself the time to reconnect
and nourish my creative, introverted self.
My schedule dramatically changed since ending VISTA and I’m curious
about my reaction to blank space. It doesn’t necessarily need to be filled. I’m
teaching more yoga and I feel fabulous and passionate about my classes (!!!),
but it also calls for more downtime. For an introvert like me, teaching, really
any type of public speaking engagement requires downtime because I am giving
energy to students and taking time to thoughtfully create and plan. This blank
space is not for others – it is for me. The blank space in my planner stays
free from scheduled to-dos.
This time of non-doing is time of great doing. It’s a pause that
creates clarity. Purposeful action emerges from the pause. The blank space asks
me to check-in and make sure I say “yes” to opportunities and people that light
me up and politely say “no” to events that feel heavy and limit time with
people who consume and leave me exhausted.
As Rumi says, “Be with those who help your being.” I whole-heartedly
agree.
September promises to be a full month, so I’m consciously taking more
quiet time and investing in relationships that truly nourish my soul. This is
my life right here and right now, and I don’t want to spend the majority of my
existence feeling busy and stressed, especially if this busyness means not
nurturing relationships, manifesting my dreams into reality, and caring for
myself.
This
Fall I’m taking busyness off my to-do list. Time to get comfortable with simple
blank space.
