A Portland Perspective : A Loving Reflection

Happily welcoming Rachel Benson to blogland! Rachel is a kindred spirit living in Portland, Oregon. She is compassion in motion. Her laughter is sunshine for the soul. She is rooted in her truth and inspires others to be their best selves.

Presenting her post on transitioning from the Bluegrass to the West Coast. Curl up and savor her words. 

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I find myself belly up on a comfortable table. I am in a beautiful old house turned wellness center in North Portland. My fingers have gone numb but I feel a wonderful sense of mental calmness and clarity. I lift my arm up slowly to eye level and I see three needles sticking up in various places on my left arm. Startled by the sight, I let me hand fall back on my stomach. I try to be still and breathe deeply.

Acupuncture, a new experience for me.

I cannot help but think of the plethora of new experiences I've had in the past year. I uprooted my life in Kentucky, moved to Oregon, found a place to live and  started a new job. It has been a wonderful journey, but definitely not an easy one.

I clearly remember my first night in Portland. I hiked to the top of Mt Tabor-an extinct lava vent inside the city- at dusk and saw the city laid out before me. Fear, excitement, confusion, and a strong sense of adventure washed over me that night and has not yet fully left. Change can shake us in ways that we never had expected, pushing us to our limits at times.

My first job in Portland was not what it was advertised to be. Without a scrap of training I was thrust into a manager position at a sinking ship company. Six days later I walked away. I knew this job was not right but I felt confused, hurt and sad. Confidence in myself felt momentarily shattered. My self image as someone who could handle whatever life thrust on me felt broken. I was scared to tell friends and family because I feared judgement that they may place on me. What I found was that not one of my friends or family passed judgement on me for my decision. Instead, they showed me much love and understanding. The most judgmental person I found was myself.

Through this experience I have learned the importance of going slowly and treating myself with compassion. Yes, I walked away from the job, but I am still a capable person. I followed my intuition and made a bold decision that was not easy. I felt stronger from my experience once I allowed myself to go through the emotions. I must treat myself at times like I would a child, finding love for myself even when I am confused or hurt. 

Looking back, I would not wish this experience away.

I learned my limits on what I will accept at a job as well as how to sort through a disappointment slowly and lovingly. 

***

Rachel’s photos of hiking journeys capture the astounding beauty of nature. Her photography gives this Kentuckian a breathtaking glimpse of the wondrous world out west. 

Many Thanks, Dear Rachel for sharing this gift with us.  

Receiving Love

The month of chocolate kisses, glitzy hearts and Aquarius birthdays arrives with a sweet flurry of snowflakes. The Groundhog may have seen his shadow, but sudden sun rays are beaming through grey clouds and there’s a hint of the softest blue sky. I adore February – it feels lighthearted and rather splendid. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a lover of Valentine’s Day. I’m all about celebrating and nurturing the loving relationships in my life – friends, family, crushes and dogs included.

So, while I’m slipping Valentine cards in the mail, I’m musing on love. I’m thinking of the diverse ways we give love (quality time, gift giving, doing for others, etc.) and just as importantly, on how well we receive love.

In order to fully receive love, we have to believe that we are worthy of love. And here is where the gremlins sneak in. The inner critic can pounce and list off the reasons why we are not worthy of this awesome goodness manifesting in a dream job or the dream beau.

For me, self-worth issues bubbled up when my face broke out as an allergic reaction to a natural makeup I started using. This coincided right when I got a dream opportunity to work at my favorite non-profit and when I was dazzled by a charming guy who I was all giddy and butterflies for. Mr. Charming treated me to several sweet dates and was affectionate and kind, but I felt unworthy of his attention and my self-consciousness blocked me from receiving the full goodness of our times together.

Thankfully, this was also the same time I discovered my guru, Brene Brown. I’ve praised Brene Brown many a time on this blog and I will do so again and again. She writes on the power of vulnerability, declaring that yes, we are imperfect but still worthy of love and belonging. She also writes that only through unconditionally loving yourself are you able of loving others. I can love my other for all their quirks and embrace their insecurities and perceived flaws but if I don’t do the same for myself then my love and acceptance of my other doesn’t seem as true and strong.

“Marry yourself first,” a wise lady recently told me.

Committing to truly love and nurture myself is a daunting task. I’d rather pour my affection onto friends and loved ones, but as the Buddha says, “you, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

So, how to make self-love part of every day life. What practices can we incorporate to ensure we are opening ourselves up to receiving all the abundant goodness the universe wants to offer us? I’ve mused a bit and here are a few that are opening my heart to love and sweetness.

*Receive the compliment.

I adored this barista who worked at one of my favorite coffee shops and the manner in which she received a compliment was a true gift for me. It was her last day on the job and truly sorry to see her go I told her how I would miss her and what a light she had been. 

She responded in her usual kindhearted and wise way, “Thank you,” and placing her hand on her heart said, “I receive that.”

I love this. So often when I get a compliment, I feel like I have to throw it back and not accept it because it may seem cocky. But I know when I give a compliment I mean it and I want the person to receive it - think of it as a gift. So, when I receive a compliment (and I know it’s genuine), I receive it and I let is sparkle up my day.

*Soak in the goodness of the moment.

Take note and celebrate the bliss moments. I feel blissful when teaching yoga and I make sure to breathe that joy in. I feel utterly comfortable having a night in watching a favorite movie and eating ice cream. Savor.

 If there’s resistance to receiving your joy, pause and meet the resistance. Practice compassion as you ask and explore the reasons why there’s a blockage present for you. Awareness is key. If you’re aware there’s a pattern of resisting goodness, then you can work on acknowledging it and letting it go by affirming you are worthy of receiving all forms of joy in your life.

*Receive a moment of rest.

Yoga practice ends with savasana, a restorative time to rest and let the body soak in the benefits of the practice. I love watching yogis fully surrender to a moment of non-doing (which is a time of great doing) and receive this time as moment of rest for the body and mind. Whether or not you practice yoga, you too can take a few moments a day to fully receive a moment of rest. This can be done in the few moments before drifting off to sleep or upon waking in the morning. Feel the body resting down, the nurturing flow of breath, and be in silent gratitude for this moment.

*Know how you heal.

Understand what and who helps you heal. Some days I feel sparkly and confident and I can easily disregard a rude comment or a confusing experience, but sometimes my sensitive self takes everything personally. Time to heal and take care. I heal through dancing, through listening to music, journaling and by speaking my story to those who have earned my trust. Listen to your inner healer. Know how you heal.

*Know your love language and the love languages of others.

I show love by spending quality time with friends and family. When I’m with you, I’m wholeheartedly present with you. When I text, or email, my heart-full attention is in every word.

As an adolescent, if my friend’s love language wasn’t the same as my own, then I was usually rather hurt when I found they didn’t listen and give me their full attention like I did when we were together. It took a while, but now I understand that my friends and loved ones show love in different ways and once I learn their love language, I can appreciate their unique and diverse ways of showering affection.

For example, my best friend from childhood shows love by doing things for others. She’d be the one I call if I got stranded at some wild party because she’d pick me up in a heartbeat, no questions asked, and I’d treat her to a late night milkshake because gift giving is one of my love languages, too.

So, dear readers, wishing you a sweet and love filled February. Soak in the goodness and treat yourself to some delicious chocolate! 

Love & Sparkles, 

Meredith   

The Power of Whispers

I’m sniffling, sipping hot water with lemon and averaging three oranges a day. A self-deprecating voice dictates, resulting in a rather blue disposition. I’m wishing I had taken my own yoga teacher advice and spent the last few weeks speaking more kindly toward myself.

Typically, the themes of my yoga classes reflect my own life lessons on and off the mat.  Speaking kindly toward myself is one such lesson I’m still learning and this lesson inspired last Sunday’s yoga class. Flowing with Robert Kiyosaki's quote (above), class focused on positive affirmations and honoring the whispers of the body as a form of innate wisdom.

Well, I haven’t been speaking kindly and listening to my body. My desperate need to get back to doing! was almost a form of punishment for the time spent recovering from the upchuck disease.  I didn’t grant myself full recovery time and as a result, I’m here riding the last waves of a cold.

So, watery eyes and dull aches force me to hibernate. At first, this self-proclaimed rest means watching reruns of “Sex and the City” on E! (I’m a Carrie girl forever) and pinteresting. This is not restorative. Too much TV and too much Internet overwhelms my sensitive, out-of-balance system.

I’m still in do! mode when I call to reschedule a hair appointment, and I’m utterly grateful for my beautician who lovingly tells me to sleep and rest. Her advice echoes the inner whisper telling me to turn off the TV, to stop all forms of attempted productivity and sleep.

At first my go!go!-self resists but sleep heals and restores a sense of peace. Upon waking I rest in silence. No music, no background TV noise, just darkness and quiet. The thought gremlins do not appear. I listen to the layers of sound and sense the silence holding the sounds. I’m entranced by the silence - it’s soul nourishing.

The silence allows me to turn inward and see what prompted my physical spiral to upchucking and sniffling. Energetically, I believe suppressed emotions, unprocessed experiences and negative self-talk manifests in disease. From this understanding, I become aware that my physical cold represents inner crying, a child-like part of me that needs to be compassionately listened to and soothed.

An old memory emerges from childhood: I walk into an ice cream shop and am socially shunned by a group of my school peers who are also there (one of whom was my ex-boyfriend from the first grade). The memory relates to a recent experience of walking into a public space and feeling disconnected and purposefully left out from a group. My ex from the first grade wasn’t there this time, but the same quiet voice hissed, You don’t belong and I believed it. I break my own heart with my self-sabotaging thoughts, but I can also heal it.

Rachel Naomi Remen writes about our own inner ability to heal and create an internal sanctuary for peace and healing. So, to soothe the inner child, I envision a radiant, healthy version of myself holding and cradling the younger me affirming my belonging.

Trusting this inner healer, I listen and honor my body as I gently recover from this bout of sickness, which is a gift and a lesson. It’s a reminder to listen to the body’s whispers before they become wails. It’s a gift to witness the strength of my body that wishes to heal and recover optimal health. I’m making trust and forgive my February mantras, knowing that a loving word whispered to self can be just as healing as a cup of hot tea steeped in lots of goodness and love.

Trust

Sunday night I nestle up onto the living room couch, excited for Downton Abbey (I’m emotionally invested in Lady Mary’s romantic intrigues and delight over the fashion).  The opening credits arrive and so does an intense wave of nausea. Evening plans interrupted. I don’t end up visiting 1920s England, but revisiting all the foods I had eaten earlier that day as a vindictive stomach virus wrecks havoc.

When I wake on Tuesday (Monday is a clammy blur), I feel hollow, achy and sad. It’s a depression that comes with being ill. Negative and lonely thoughts take hold and without the ability to change space, or dance around my room to upbeat music, I am more easily swayed to believe their stories. The stories retell moments of failure, putdowns, heartaches and disappointments.

I become a victim to their tales and am only broken free when I hear my chocolate lab howl at the backdoor. She’s a dog duchess who prefers napping and reigning from her thrown of blankets on a small trampoline in the kitchen to the cold grass and muddy world of the backyard. Her wails of impatience push me to let the dog duchess in and when I do, I am gently greeted by fresh air, the bluest January sky and the call of geese. Their voices recite a beloved piece of Mary Oliver poetry:

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
 are heading home again.
 Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
 the world offers itself to your imagination,
 calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

The moment brings peace and ease and grants me full permission to feel how I need to feel and to trust my body as I recover.

Trust. This is the word that emerged when caught in the throes of sickness and I was gripped with fear and panic. “Trust your body” was the answer and a calm would arrive and carry me through.

Mary Oliver wisdom on trusting the body has been a subject on this blog before. I suppose I’m returning to it now because I heard the wild geese call again, reminding me to actively listen and adhere to my body’s needs.

I carry a lot of fear toward my body. I believe some of this fear stems from being highly allergic to nuts. In an allergic reaction, the body irrationally attacks a benign substance. My childhood is spotted with memories of innocently eating a cookie or even a piece of fried chicken (the cook thought it’d be gourmet to place slithers of almonds in the crust) and suddenly, my mouth and throat are swelling, my breath is jagged, and my body is fighting to rid itself of a self-labeled poison.

These episodes leave me feeling unsafe in my body and push me to disconnect from my body. I fear the sudden violence that can be triggered from accidentally eating a hidden pistachio in a casserole. So, as a natural daydreamer, I escape into my imagination, my feelings and creative projects.

And then yoga safely guides me to connect to my body and breathe into the fear.

Trust. Breathe. Courage.

In yoga, I am astonished by the beauty and strength of my body and learn to practice compassion toward tension, aches and pains. Fear arises on the mat when I attempt an inversion or an arm balance that could have me fall flat on my face. I feel it rise from my heart to the throat and freeze me in mid-action. Yes, fear I know you’re here. Yoga lets me witness the fear without identifying with it.

Trust. Breathe. Courage. This is the mantra guiding me through the upchuck episodes and recovery. My thoughts are negative and my heart is heavy. The thought gremlins know exactly where to pounce and sink their claws down. “What are you doing with your life?” “Are you doing enough?” “Why didn’t you get that job?

 Then I am reawakened by the call of the wild geese heading to or from a lake nearby, and I hear the soft wag of my chocolate lab’s tail, and I am brought back to this time. No matter how achy and grouchy I may be, I am reaffirmed in my belonging. There’s the small whisper telling me to have faith and courage on the unfolding journey, to trust myself and breathe. 

Goddess Empowered & Rock 'n' Roll Inspired

Lauren from Thelma & the Sleaze, an all lady rock ‘n’ roll band out of Nashville.

Photo by the amazing Ann Sydney Taylor. Let her music and travel photography entrance and transport you.

http://www.annsydneytaylor.com/

Friday night I embark on an adventure with my childhood best friend. I accept her invitation to an art showing in Berea, my soul yearning for art and new sights. The car ride to the show refreshes my spirits (my Sagittarius friend recounting her tales from the previous night) and I quietly awe over the evening light gently spilling over rolling hills and pockets of towns nestled into woods and mountains.

We arrive fashionably late, but are greeted warmly. The art show is the debut of the Women’s Art Collective of Kentucky and my Sagittarius soul sista is a founding member, her rock ‘n’ roll photography  on display. Her featured photo along with mixed media and paintings fill the quaint space of the Village Trough, a Berea restaurant (grilled gourmet cheese with teas, coffees, vegan cookies and scrumptious, whip cream pastries).

The adjoining room becomes a makeshift movie theater and seating is provided in reclaimed church pews for the evening's documentary. Staying in theme with the female celebrated art show, Who Does She Think She Is?  follows the lives of contemporary women artists as they balance pursuing their creative work and being a mother. These radiant women speak of listening and honoring the inner muse; and the documentary explores ancient Goddess Culture, and second-wave feminists who combated the institutionalized sexism of the art world  (the Guerrilla Girls and  Judy Chicago’s The Dinner Party  make a scene debut). Intently watching, I feel myself reawakened and filled with feminist spark, a bit of rage and lots of passion.

The evening continues with a performance by the Kites, a Kentucky band who swoons me with their deep, resonating voices (like a younger version of the Civil Wars) and their songs about first love and dancing through daydreams.

The music pulls me into a soft trance. The cycle of concerns my mind has been obsessing over lately reemerge.

When will I hear back about that job? What if my research paper is rejected for that conference? Am I studying enough for the GRE? When should I apply for grad school, and that yoga program?

These questions have provoked such irritability and stress. I feel like my life is on hold. Waiting. Waiting for that next job, for the next heartthrob, and for an external confirmation to provide reassurance and clarity about my life’s path. I can feel the rise of anxiety, like a salty building of a wave, but unlike this past week where it’s been so consuming, it barely stirs a ripple.

I return to a friend’s recent yoga class focused on transitions: the transition from one pose to the next, from each inhalation to the following exhalation; even the easily overlooked, but significant micro-movements that lead into the building of a pose. My yoga-self knows that the waiting time is filled with precious moments, like this one here. This transitional space is the NOW where life is vibrant and abundantly rich.

The irritation and anxiety soften as I relax back into this moment. I am at home here – with my lifelong friend, in the company of artists, surrounded by the creative works of empowered women. The questions aren’t answered, and they reappear throughout the night, but the mind chatter is a broken record and the questions are just on replay.

Live the Questions Now, encourages the poet, Rainer Maria Rilke.

I release the need to fret and analyze this waiting time, and embrace the questions and the moment where there are twinkle lights, kindhearted souls, and vegan pastries. I don’t know how things will unfold, but I do know that I want to be vibrantly here and here is where I finally allow myself to be.

Intentions for 2015

I greet 2015 with a calm heart. I’m feeling peaceful about the beginning of a New Year. I honor 2014 by being thankful for its lessons and loves because it got me here to this coffee shop moment, where my present self feels centered and at ease, and my intentions for 2014 helped cultivate and ground this peaceful me.

My intentions for 2014 gently guided me to take more mindful breaths, to listen and adhere to the whispers of intuition, and purposefully nurture love for myself. 2014’s intentions manifested into daily practices that brought me ease, peace, and deep, nourishing breaths, and so I continue with intention setting for 2015.

For those new to intention setting, let me explain. I advocate intention setting (over goal setting) to celebrate the dawn of the New Year for several reasons. First, intentions are set in the present tense, affirming the worthiness and abundance already existing within. Intentions establish an internal foundation to help foster a shift in thought, or attitude, and this inner shift manifests through mindful action in the external world.

So, continuing with this, I welcome 2015 by setting intentions to help guide and nurture me as I learn, love and grow into the unfolding New Year.  

*I intend to stay connected with my breath and let the breath be my gentle guide and reminder of my true authentic self.

The past few years I’ve had an intention to breathe mindfully and I’m remaining true to this original intention. Breathing In. Breathing Out. Coming Home to Self.

*I intend to speak my truth.

This is the big one for 2015. Speaking my truth first begins with knowing my truth. Journaling, restorative alone time, and sharing my story with a few cherished friends helps me recognize and claim my truth.

Speaking my truth is a challenge if it means confronting someone. I desire harmony and peace. Conflict unnerves me. So, when conflict typically arises, I navigate with diplomacy and compromise. I practice empathy, see the situation from someone else’s perspective and grant forgiveness. I also seek to recognize what issues I’m projecting on the situation, or the person. And this process goes on quietly, in the comfort of my room, to the soundtrack of alt-J, and maybe I talk to a few people, but it’s an internal and privately held decision and resolution. Most of the time, this smooth course of stepping back, checking in, understanding and forgiving works and I don’t have to directly confront anyone, just myself.

Here’s the problem: this doesn’t work for every conflict. If a person I love repeatedly does something that upsets me, I just end up suppressing and growing resentful, angry, and passive aggressive, which results in a poisoned relationship.

Speaking my truth in the moment could save me a whole lot of emotional pain and spare the other person confusion and hurt. I need to let go of feeling responsible for how the other person will respond and this will take practice. I’m letting this quote be my guide :

"Truth spoken is a gift given. Truth withheld is more than a gift denied, it is an arrow aimed at the heart. It has been said that "the truth hurts," but the exact opposite is true. No truth is too hurtful, and no lie is harmless. Because every truth opens your heart to another, and every lie separates it.

Yet know this: The way you say your truth can be hurtful. So speak your truth, but soothe your words with peace. Right now."

*I intend to soften (even more) toward myself.

“Please be kind to yourself; I care about you.” The note was gently folded and tucked into my purse, a gift from a trusted friend. It was written at the end of 2013, a year that held challenge and struggle. I internalized outside criticism and was harsh towards myself in thoughts, words and even in impulsive action.  

This past year, the most significant change came from within: I softened toward myself. 2014’s intention of nurturing love for myself manifested by using positive affirmations, identifying and softening the voice of the inner critic, and practicing forgiveness toward myself. My  present self feels compassion for 2013 me, fresh out of college and striving to appease others and establish herself in the post-undergraduate world. This nurtured love for self directly impacts how I respond to people, situations and myself when caught in emotional upheavals and moments of crisis. Practicing compassion toward myself gave me the genuine ability to show compassion to others.

Soften resonates with my 2015-self. Soften invites a calmer voice, a letting go of mental holdings and physical tension. Soften invites me to wholeheartedly receive love and effortlessly and joyfully send love to others.

*I intend to not take things so personally.

I’m quick to take criticism and people’s comments/reactions to me very personally. I’m sensitive, a blessing and a challenge. I wish to be peaceful and loving toward all people and have those sentiments reciprocated, but that’s not always the case.

So, when there’s a charged dislike between me and someone, or a hurtful comment is said, I intend to take it as a cue to check-in: notice if I’m projecting and listen to my own personal triggers around the situation. Then, I can go neutral, which means I simply let go of the need to like or dislike someone and simply respect them as a human being who has his/her own story and struggle. And best of all, focus the energy that typically would go to fretting over the situation back to myself. I got Iggy Azalea to help me out with this mantra: “I just can't worry 'bout no haters, gotta stay on my grind.”

*I intend to believe in my own magic.

Somewhere along the way, I became scared of envisioning things for myself. It may be a defense mechanism. If I don’t dream it then I won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Ouch. A sad truth that I’ve been carrying.

2015 is the year to return back to my magical self. Time to return to believing in myself and trusting in my own ability to manifest dreams into a reality. Oh, this will be fun!

2014, I kiss you adieu! 2015, I’m wholeheartedly present for the adventures, the lessons and the loves you will bring. Let the breath be my guide as I soften, let go and build healthy boundaries, and invite a spark of magic back into my heart and sweet life!