We should be happy. I gaze at the
Christmas tree and realize its completely unfazed by the family drama that
occurred around it. I’m finally pausing after the hectic Christmas morning and
in the pause feel the emotions I’ve suppressed: disappointment, anger, guilt,
sadness. I have a slight headache, a sign of tension, a message that I’m
pushing myself too hard.
My reaction to the unexpected (and
for some family members unwanted) Christmas morning visitor was to rise to the
occasion (a family motto), but not all reacted with a fake it till you make it
attitude. Quite the opposite. There were outbursts, privately shed tears, and
passive aggressive comments that were passed with the maple syrup.
Any holiday can be filled with
family tension, but my household always “rises to the occasion” when it’s
Christmas. We all try a little harder to please, we all soften our edges, we
all forgive a bit more and argue a little less. This Christmas is an exception.
Family dynamics are delicate and the balance tipped in no one’s favor when the
surprise guest showed up for waffles.
I’m a little heartbroken standing
in this beautiful living room, which my mother decorated so beautifully with
pine and twinkle lights. There’s the lingering scent of waffles and syrup still
in the air, which is my father’s gift to his family, a Christmas breakfast. We should be happy.
The house is quiet but tense. We’ve
all disappeared to our own rooms and corners to recover and reconnect. I take
shelter in the living room. I reach for my holiday lifeline, a repeated mantra:
“Tension is who you think you should be.
Relaxation is who you are.”
The Chinese proverb dispels the
growing internal tension, releases the shoulds and brings me home to my breath,
to being a loving witness, to myself.
I relax. I relax by just being. I
don’t need to be super happy, even if it is Christmas. I let go of the quiet
judgment I hold against my family. I’ve been silently ranting at them for being
so inflexible, insensitive and unwilling to go with the flow. Judging them
builds tension. Just let them be and breathe.
Relaxation is who you are. I let this
truth settle in and down into my bones. I become aware when tension clutches my
muscles, when “shoulds” dictate my words and actions, making me feel frantic,
frustrated, afraid. When tension arrives in the body, I remedy it by relaxing.
I relax by mindfully breathing, opening my palms (or taking a mudra),
and letting go of the need to micromanage people’s emotions and to control the
situation.
I can be my authentic and
peaceful-self by simply relaxing. This is the Christmas gift I treasure. A
piece of wisdom leading me gently to the unfolding New Year.
