Today I Rest

Today I rest.

I let myself be part of that brilliant sky and give myself to sunshine.

I simply be.  

I grant myself full permission to revel in this moment, to be freed from internal pressure to do and prove and go.

I relax into my bones. I release tension from my muscles. I soften my cheeks.

I sink deeper into my belly and feel the heaviness of my legs, growing long and earthbound.

I linger, wonder and then come back home to the breath.

I still see the vague outline of the to-do list. 

Yes, there are yoga classes to plan, people to email, friends to text, a story in need of editing, a trip to prepare for, a transition to weather.

I relax into the knowing that I'll get the to-dos done with grace and all in good timing.

I trust myself.

This trusting leads me back to this crystal blue sky day and a sweet spaciousness expanding with each remembered conscious breath.

Today I rest.

I simply be. 

This being is enough for me. 

A Lesson in Sparkle: Part I

Sparkle is my mantra. It’s my go-to word when I feel insecure and need an extra self-confidence kick. Sparkle is a super fun, fashionable companion, but She’s feisty and challenging at times. It’s easy for me to sparkle and shine when I’m having a fabulous hair day, when I feel like I taught a smooth yoga class, and 20 plus people like my current facebook status.

The question is can I personally grant myself the permission to sparkle when I’ve experienced an “off moment?”

I’ve become aware that when I “mess up” (forgot about a work commitment), or when I’ve potentially disappointed someone (overcommitted and had to cancel on a friend), I punish myself with guilt and harsh criticism. After such “off moments,” I don’t feel worthy of feeling good and receiving goodness. I block my shine.

I grant others the power to affirm my worthiness. I look to the current well-being of my relationships and the successes of my job as external indicators to determine if I truly deserve to feel the radiant goodness that exists within me. 

Perfectionism is an underlying issue here. I set idealistic standards for how I communicate, act and work with others. As a human who is still on the post-grad learning curve, I consistently fall short, and instead of embracing myself, I reprimand.

“You don’t know what you don’t know.”

This is a newly adopted saying that has freed me from the claws of the inner critic. I can’t hold myself responsible for things I simply didn’t know about (like cleaning lint out of the dryer. I didn’t know that shit could cause a fire!).  

Sparkle illuminates these old patterns and pushes me to burn brightly through them. Yes, I made a mistake, but plunging into negative self-chatter doesn’t empower me to confront the situation with confidence and grace. And shutting myself off from my inner light doesn’t help me grow. In the glitz and glow of sparkle, I can lovingly claim my mistakes, take responsibility for things I need to own and then brilliantly move on, or Sparkle On.

As the Sufi poet Hafiz says, “I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”

I love sparkling up my fun-spirited nature when people are singing my praises, I feel summer chic in a new dress, and I’m productively awesome at work. The real challenge is to remain connected to that sparkle, that light and all embracing awareness when I disappoint, make an honest mistake, and am wading through insecurity. I want to navigate my reactions to difficult experiences with a strengthened connection to my true self, the one that sparkles regardless of successes and mistakes.

Readers, if you’re having a glorious day, own it, and Sparkle On. If you’re having a not so awesome one, own it, and Sparkle On, too. And if all this sparkling seems rather silly to you, that’s fine, just don’t let the perceived ups and downs of your day determine your worthiness. You deserve to feel good because You Are You. 

A Poem for Monday

Poetry is the language of the soul and my spirit is hungry for exquisite words that speak to my heart. So, I begin the week with a poem.

A dear friend recently introduced me to the wondrous, romantic poems of e.e cummings. His words soothe, enchant and ring true. I’m rather in love.

Monday, I greet you with this poem, reminding me to let go and embrace life’s flow. I let go of expectations. I let go of negative self-talk. I come home to the breath. I come home to this poem. I come home again to love. 

let it go – e.e. cummings

let it go -- the


smashed word broken


open vow or


the oath cracked length


wise -- let it go it


was sworn to


go



let them go -- the


truthful liars and


the false fair friends


and the boths and


neithers -- you must let them go they

were born


to go


let all go -- the


big small middling

tall bigger really


the biggest and all


things -- let all go


dear


so comes love. 

Mercury in Retrograde: A Gemini's Mercurial Ride

Mercury is in retrograde. This Gemini’s world is topsy-turvy: thrown away keys, misplaced phone, forgotten work commitment, miscommunications, and technology frustrations.

I feel vulnerable, my heart utterly exposed and highly sensitive. I crave home comfort. I hide away in my room with my books, yoga mat and music.

Night falls outside my bedroom window and I replay the week. I awe over the contrast of my Monday self to the one sitting here tonight. My sparkly self shined through the beginning of the week, and then sputtered out as old patterns of self-worth emerged. The inner critic reprimands me for not doing enough, for not giving it my all, for not being enough.

My mistakes outweigh the golden moments. The golden moments are so precious. The mistakes brought lessons. My True Self knows this, but my insecure ego-mind is on repeat. My True Self’s voice tunes in and out, like static on the radio, and I’m desperate to find the right channel.

On these off days, these moments where I feel disconnected, raw and emotionally wild, I need my breath, my yoga, my own gift of kindness even more. An extra ounce of discipline is needed for me to pause and take three conscious breaths, or to unroll the mat, but once I’m there, I feel my heart heal itself.

Don’t fight the mishaps. Surrender to the flow, and take several long breaths in child’s pose.

Trusting the flow of life, loving myself unconditionally – when I’m sparkly and when I’m defensive and aching – are lessons learned, and then relearned again and again.

Mercury goes out of retrograde in early July. I intend to surrender and trust, forgive and maybe even gently laugh when I make mistakes, because life’s not meant to be taken too seriously anyway.

Mercury, my Gemini home planet, I acknowledge your whacky, mischievous presence. I’ll be living with your trickster self by making a conscious effort to back up my work, communicate clearly and make a spare copy of keys. I’m in for this mercurial ride, hands off and heart full of love. 

Summer Love

A friend’s CD mix sings from the car stereo. Early evening sunlight streams through the open windows. My pink sunglasses are perched on my head, my eyes drinking in the splendor of the golden sunlight. Stopped at the light, my fingertips stretch out and tango with the sweet summer breeze.

I breathe in and slowly exhale, listening to the melody of emotions here with me: there is a delicious sense of freedom, a thrill for the unknown, a growing love for my present self, and the slight tug of heartache.

The sudden awareness of this quiet heartache surprises me. I resist. I don’t want to be heartbroken all summer, I inwardly moan. Summer is my time! Past summers have always held some sort of head-over-heels romance, and I’m not particularly game to be nursing a broken heart through this rather splendid one. Why can’t I just be over this old fling so I can be sparkly and ready for the next heartthrob?

You’re still healing, my heart replies. And better to fully heal and move on with grace than ignore and be traveling with that silent, hovering ache.

So, waiting at the red light, I sit with the heartache. I listen and hear the lessons She’s teaching me.

This heartache opens me, and lets my ability for empathy grow, so I can be wholeheartedly present for those who’ve been heartbroken, and emotionally wounded.

This heartache asks for me to be brave as I examine my insecurities, my issues of self-worth and my patterns with men.

This heartache encourages me to be courageous in what I ask for in a man from the Universe.

Be courageous enough to ask for the guy of your dreams, the Universe whispers to me.

This heartache unearths a deep well of love I have for myself.

Maya Angelou’s wise words emerge, “I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’

There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”

Now is the time to love myself. I am my own summer sweetheart and affirm my worthiness with each steady, nurturing breath. I start this radical love affair now. Right when the light turns green. Hair blowing in the breeze, feeling super chic in those pink sunglasses, I immerse myself in the moment and whole-heartedly embrace my present, single and abundant self.

Reader, wherever you are on this life journey, with a fellow companion, or ridin’ solo (holler, Jason Derulo!), love yourself and let that summer love shine.  

Summer Love Playlist

1. Into the Open – Heartless Bastards

2. Coffee – Sylvan Esso

3. Bridges – BROODS

4. Step – Vampire Weekend

5. Song for Zula – Phosphorescent

6. Dearly Departed – Shakey Graves & Esme Patterson

7. Lake Michigan – Rogue Valley

8. She Lit a Fire – Lord Huron

9. My Father’s Father – The Civil Wars

10. Song for You – Alexi Murdoch

P.S. - Many of these songs are gifts from fabulous friend and comedian, Monica Wain, the next Tina Fey. Treat yourself to a few laughs and follow her blog! 

Lex Style: Free Spirited Fashionista

Introducing Rachael Castetter! This perfect-for-Spring dress is one of her

 own original creations!

Happily shining the fashion spotlight on the truly talented designer and free spirited fashionista, Rachael Castetter.

I was lucky enough to be office mates (best type of roommate in my opinion, no tiffs over dirty dishes and rent!) with Rachael this past year at the Carnegie Center (literary home/workspace). She’s my Carnegie Center confidant, INFP  soul sista, and fashionista superstar.

My work mornings consisted of getting coffee, greeting Rachael and then cooing over her creative, artistic ensemble: a boldly patterned dress paired with a striking necklace; a flowy, long skirt layered with a fitted tee and knit cardigan; pink pants topped with a shimmery grey crop top.

Her nonchalant response to my fashion marveling typically went like this, “Found this at Goodwill and thought it’d make a pretty skirt,” or “had this fabric lying around and I had free time last night, so I made this dress.”

Umm…WOW.

I’m in awe of Rachael’s designer talents. My artistic abilities stop at the page, so I am enthralled by friends like Rachael who are superbly gifted in fashioning chic and cute clothes. I can attest that she’s a flawless seamstress. I once gave her two big old shirts I had lying around and they were returned to me as fitted, sexy tops that I love beboppin’ around in!

She even featured as a designer for Carnegie Center’s Great Gatsby party. Inspired by Daisy Buchannan’s famous quote about Jay Gatsby’s colorful array of expensive clothes, “It makes me sad because I’ve never seen such beautiful shirts before,” Rachael fashioned a flapper dress out of men shirt’s she found at the Goodwill. This is a dress a flapper would definitely want to Charleston in and also, one this modern gal would feel utterly cool coffee shopping and pattering around town in.

As the beautiful shirt dress shows, Rachael possesses the gift of a true artist: she can see the beauty in a discarded piece of fabric and with practiced, patient sewing hands lets that beauty emerge into a new piece.

  

A snapshot from Carnegie Center's Great Gatsby Party! Rachael set up the scene 

and fashioned this lovely model's flapper chic dress! 

Rachael’s passionate commitment to social justice is her most striking fashion statement. Most of Rachael’s clothes are bought second hand, or purchased from Fair Trade companies. Her conscious apparel mirrors her moral conviction for helping others, and inspires me to be more aware of my purchasing choices.

In less than a week, Rachael will be headed down in the aisle into the arms of wedded bliss. She’ll be making a grand entrance in her mother’s wedding dress that she has altered and crafted into one perfectly stunning and fit for a garden wedding. All the bridesmaids’ dresses are bright fashionable pieces lovingly made by Rachael and her talented mom, too! It’ll be a fashion show for sure and I’m honored to be part of the celebration for this beautiful, pure hearted and fashionably chic friend!

Sparkle: The Word For My 24th Year

In January, I mused and mused on a word that resonated with me for 2014. Intuition? Love? Compassion? Fabulous words that could reveal many a lesson, but none felt like the right fit for the 2014 journey.

Now the winter winds have passed and glorious sunshine is here, I found myself freshly inspired by my May Birthday. In the whirlwind of birthday excitement and dreams, the word for 2014, or really my 24^th year, emerged all decked out in glitter and sunrays. SPARKLE.  Yes! Yes! This is the word, my heart proclaimed. My 24-year-old self wants to Sparkle!

Sparkle invites my inner light to SHINE through writing, dancing, playfully chic outfits, and yummy yoga practices.

Sparkle keeps me shimmering, burning through thought and relationship patterns that no longer serve me, and creating warmth and space for those that do.

Sparkle ignites the flame for creativity, encouraging me to be bold and brave, to write from the heart and dance wildly!

Sparkle snaps her fingers and sways her hips. Stay sassy, and be proud of your feistiness, she says with a wink.

Sparkle, my pink and golden glittery friend, I am happy you jumped out and shouted, HEY! She’s my road trip companion for this 24th year’s journey, and I’m curious and excited to see what lessons she’ll bring.

So as Zora Neal Hurston says, “Show Your Shine! Jump At the Sun!” 

And I’ll add, Sparkle On, Dear Readers, Sparkle On!